Greetings & Farewells

Handshake?
Hug?
Awkward wave?
1 kiss on the cheek?
2 kisses?
3?

Everyone's greeting is different nowadays, so how do you know which one to whip out in those few crucial seconds?
The amount of times i've left someone hanging, misjudged the amount of kisses or hugged someone with one hand in theirs in an awkward handshake-hug combo...

If i had to write a greetings rule book it would be:

Same sexes should settle for a good old fashioned handshake.
If meeting for a second time and onwards, a hug.

Opposite sexes should offer an extend of the hand followed by 1 kiss on the cheek if wanted.
Upon a second meeting, a hug can be given instead.

Awkward waves are used if the distance between you is too great or obstructions are in the way.


Please note: There should not be in excess of 1 kiss EVER, it just gets complicated. 

As for the farewell, handshake greetings are upgradable to a hug farewell.

Simple.

Please note: This rule book is not applicable in many circumstances such as dates, interviews, the elderly... or pretty much any other circumstance than meeting friends. In such cases, good luck. 

CAPS LOCK ON

Here's a problem in some serious need of correcting. I'm pretty sure it won't just improve lives, it will also save them - and could potentially solve world peace in the long term.

CAPS LOCK.

We've all had that moment when your feeling a bit tried of looking up at the screen inbetween typing sections of text, so you get a little cocky and perhaps go 15 seconds without looking up. Then, once you've finally mustered the energy to raise your eyes, it's in CAPS.
iT'S THE MOST IRRITATING AND DEVASTATING MOMENT.
It's like the words themselves are shouting at you for being so lazy and you know the only thing left to do is re-type the whole thing again, this time with extra looking.

So i ask: Why isn't there a reverse CAPS option yet?

x LOL x

Texting.

When is it appropriate to put a 'x'?
Girl to girl = friendly
Girl to boy = friendly / flirty
Boy to boy = gay?
Is it even a kiss anymore?
I use them as if they were a full stop.

Another issue.
LOL ROFL LMFAO
Are you actually laughing?
HA HA HE HE
Better or worse?
Still sounds just as fake...
HE HE - Men should never make this noise let alone use it in a text

One more thing.
:-) ;-) :-p
Overuse/Misuse of faces.
Have you ever done a side wink and poked your tongue out at the same time in real life?
Didn't think so.


Follow these simple rules to avoid being a texting dick...

1) x's are not to be taken literally
2) 1 laugh abbreviation is to be used per text and ONLY if you are genuinely laughing
3) Only make faces you'd actually pull
4) Text language does not belong in the real world

Any additional rules are welcome.

The man look

The man look consists of 3 parts.

Part 1 - Politely ask where the object is you're searching for
Part 2 - Go to said area and glimpse into the space for a split second
Important: Spend no more than 0.78 seconds, this is just enough time to simultaneously escalate into a frustrated panic
Part 3 - Throw a man-sized tantrum until the woman repeats part 2 for you properly

Bless you

I've never been good at 'blessing' people when they sneeze.
The natural response just doesn't come naturally.
When people say it to me, all i can say is thanks - but what am i thanking?

So, i looked it up and here's the low down:

It was either
1) Used as an effort to fight against disease especially around the time of the bubonic plague
2) When you sneeze your heart stops beating so was used to ensure return of life by encouraging your heart to start beating once again
Or
3) Sneezing opened your body to invasion by the devil so was used as a shield against evil

Bottom line is there's no definite origin for the custom... so now it's just habit i guess.

I think i don't say it because firstly 'bless you' is a religious term and i'm atheist, and secondly i forget.

For me sneezing is the just same as coughing... and people never say 'bless you' when you cough.

Urges

Before reading this just know I AM NOT CRAZY

Do you ever get a sudden urge to do something?
It could be as simple as slapping your friend in the face for no reason or even jumping in front of a car... I remember having them at school when i was younger, feeling the sudden urge to climb on to a table and shout abuse at everyone..? They seem to strike now when i'm waiting at a crossing or just before a train comes worryingly. Apparently these are quite common and called intrusive thoughts. You imagine these disturbing situations like swerving your car into oncoming traffic and pulling down your trousers at work.

I'm guessing the only difference between a person in a psychiatric hospital and a 'normal' person (probably incorrect term) is that you don't act on them.

Fingers crossed!


http://purgetheurge.com/ somewhere to put your urges

Advent calendars

First of all, i don't think you can ever be too old for an advent calendar. It makes the 24 days before christmas managable.

Secondly, how can some advent calanders have the cheek to end on the 24th! They should at least get to their target.

Thirdly, i hate it when the days aren't jumbled up, if you see an advent calendar next to yours that has been opened the whole fun of searching for the number is ruined.

Fourthly, the 25th day should have an extra special chocolate, not just a reef saying 'Merry Xmas'. It's on its own line so there's plenty of space.

And finally, it's the best moment when you realise you've missed 3 days and have to catch up.

The most irritating game in the world

If you really want to annoy someone do this:

Tell them to breath.
If you get them to focus on their breathing 'in and out', 'in and out' they'll have to do it manually and it's a hard thing to forget about. Once you've got them hooked they'll be stuck concentrating on their breathing, HAHA!
Try a line like 'Don't forget to breath!'

Unfortunately this post has backfired on me, whilst i've been writing this post i've been struggling to subconsciously breath, but hopefully so are you from reading this.

Coughing in public

When people cough in small spaces everything becomes amplified. Because there's nothing else to focus on, you end up focussing on the cough and start imagining little germs spreading from their mouth.
Some people (including me) focus so much on the germ situation, they decide that the logical thing to do is to hold your breath for a certain amount of time so the germs will vanish, therefore you won't breath them in. This is all very well, until you start to go red in the face and begin to get strange looks. Or, there's one cough, you start to hold your breath and then there is another. Now, you're pretty screwed. Do you risk cathching a possible cold or risk self-suffocation?
Imagine ending up in hospital explaining to a Doctor that you're there because you decided to hold you're breath for too long after someone coughed and suffocated yourself.

Another option for preventing the germ intake is blowing out with your 'nose air' or through the side of your mouth. This might be a safer option but can't always be successful. To get the 'nose air' you need to breath in a decent amount. If you manage to do this the theory is it will push the germs away from your breathing space, thus creating fresher air to breath in.

I think i have issues.

Disney or Gremlins

When i was a child i used to watch all the disney classics, Snow White, The Lion King, Cinderella, Peter Pan etc. Disney are known for sugar coating stories to make them more 'happy ever after' resulting in happy children when the films finish.

Around the same age i was also watching Gremlins, ET, Neverending Story and The Labyrinth. You cannot compare these films to Disney films, they should be rated 15+. Now, as a result of my parents lack of responsibilty i'm a damaged adult. I cannot watch these films.

I could watch Saw or Alien, but Gremlins NOOOOO! If i see a toy Gizmo i have a sudden rush of fear and basically run to the nearest lit area. If i see a statue either side of me i expect its eyes to open and fire death rays at me. A pile of stuffed animals make me brace myself for an alien to pop out and chase me around the house saying 'ET PHONE HOME' over and over.


On a completely seperate note, i used to think Disney was Disnep because of the logo.

Leg space on a train

Lately, i've been spending A LOT of time on trains. Like most people i try to get 2 seats to myself, but sometimes you can't keep hold of that extra 'seat for your bag'. Recently i had a reserved seat which was on a table.

I hate table seats when i'm travelling alone because:
It means your less likely to be alone as your sitting with 3 other people
You're facing someone directly, so it's hard to avoid any eye contact
You cant sit with your bag under your chair for easy access
as
their is limited leg room
and so
you have to lay all your travel belongings out on the table - in view of your other table sitters

Let me just highlight the limited leg room issue - Men seem to think women dont have legs. Not only do women have suffer with men sitting open legged constantly 'for comfort', but now we have to keep our legs tucked in awkwardly the whole journey as a man needs way over half of the leg space. If i was to draw the equal leg space allowance on the table, they would be way into my area...

Well, i have drawn it:


Here you can see how much room is theoretically allowed and the intursion into my personal leg allowance. And to top it all off, they kick your feet too!

(This is not aimed at all men - you know who you are!)

Handshakes

When you meet someone new it's always dificult to judge whether its a handshake moment or not. And, when it is a handshake situation, how much pressure do you apply? How many times do you physically shake your hands up and down? Do you even shake, or is it more of a warm grasp?



Handshake become even more difficult when it's mixed gender. If your the woman, you want to seem confident and strong but not to butch. A man wants to be professional, non-sexist but at the same time respect the 'lady'.

Things you should know about Handshakes(thanks to Wikipedia)
The earliest handshake dates back to 5th century BC.
Handshakes should always be made bare handed, in some customs it is considered inappropriate/derogatory behaviour if preformed whilst wearing gloves.
'It is considered to be in poor taste to show dominance with too strong a handshake conversely, too weak a handshake (sometimes referred to as a "limp fish" or "dead fish" handshake) is also considered unseemly due to people perceiving it as a sign of weakness.'
New Jersey Mayor Joseph Lazarow from Atlantic City was recognized by the Guinness Book of World Records for shaking more than 11,000 hands in a single day.
And just incase you were thinking of doing the longest ever handshake:
Matthew Rosen and Joe Ackerman hold a world record time of 15 hours, 30 minutes and 45 seconds.

Expiry Dates

Apparently i am too obsessed with expiry dates. My Mum seems to think that an expiry date means nothing, if the food still holds its shape it's okay. I disagree.

I've done a bit of research into this subject a.k.a typing it in to Wikipedia and found out the following:

Expiry dates may also be known use by, display until and sell buy. All meaning the products cannot be sold after this date because they are no longer at best quality and have expired shelf life.

Now then, im not obsessed so much that i wont eat something after the expiration date, if it's a couple days i can cope, but months/years...no. I won't eat expired food for obvious reasons, taste and health. The argument last night however, was over medicinal expiration. I simply informed my mother the anticeptic cream was about 1 year over it's expiry date so probably wouldn't be as effective. I knew this because i'd had previous experience using expired paracetamol and anticeptic cream which hadn't worked. Once i used in date products it worked. This was my defence and proof that expiry dates are there for reason. She responded with 'it'll be fine, your too obsessed with the dates of things. They only put these dates on to make people like you use them faster an go buy more'.

Now even though this is a good business strategy, i think it's far from the truth. Whilst i agree that an expiry date doesn't necessarily mean the product is unusable, i also think expiration dates are legally there for a reason. If they did not exist people would probably get pretty ill. Expiry dates aren't just decorative digits, they save lives... This post is dedicated to my Mum.

Grapes

There is an art to the eating of grapes. A recent conversation had me outcasted because i admitted to occasionally eating my grapes slightly different to what you'd expect. I was unaware that some people had never done this before.

When eating a grape (not everytime because thats too time consuming) thou should delicately remove the peel with thy teeth. This is the bitter part of the grape, once removed the sweetness of the grape can be fully enjoyed.

If you choose to then bite around the grape you will discover the centre section of the grape is much sweeter than the fleshy outer layer. This is where the grapes flavour and sweetness is hidden. Although, the pips are in this section which again taste bitter so try to ignore this...

If you've never done this then your missing out. I therefore have a superior knowledge of the grapes inner characteristics and should be respected and listened to. Not mocked. Check out the picture below, there is clearly a lot than can be learnt from the inner grape.

I'm not alone, there are many people that share this habit (knowledge). I know at least... 4.

Toilet roll

This is one of my ultimate hates. Pure laziness.

The toilet roll has run out, some people don't even make the effort to change it but if you do manage PUT IT ON THE RIGHT WAY! It actually takes the same amount of time to put it on the correct way (crazy, i know).

My heart sinks when i find a toilet roll that spins the wrong way. It's just not right.

Football

As there's so much of it at the moment, it seems appropriate to write a blog about it.

So first of all, the people that are constantly blowing those horns throughout the whole match ruin my quality of life. If i happened to be sat near the guy, i would have to kill him.

Secondly, England are not going to win, but it's nice to be patriotic isnt it.

Thirdly, i know im not the only one to mistake a replay for a second goal.

Fourthly(?), i also know im not the only one to wait for others to cheer around me before i do - due to past mistakes. Such as mistaking a replay for a second goal or the ball looking as if it's gone in the net but really it's gone to the side which everyone else seems to know except me and my eyes.

Fifthly, as i watch a match i am constantly aware that i am female and will be judged by men as being a tomboy, lesbian or wag so must seem as femininely intellectual at all times to avoid such labels.

Come On England!

2p machines

First of all im not a gambler, but if i was - this is the way i'd go. If i happen to be in an arcade i will only spend money on the games i can win it back (a business mind i like to think). My personal favourite 'the 2p machine'. At first you think 'aww i need to get rid of my change so i'll stick it in here', however then your addicted and refuse to walk away with nothing. I end up playing until i walk away with more change than i first started out with. It's even more tempting when they put additional prizes right near then edge.
The tension kills me.

Lyrics

I admit, i am not one for knowing lyrics. I think there's a lot of people out there that know what a line sounds like and sing that knowing full well it makes no sense. In a noisey club it's not too bad, nobody can really tell your 'faking' but in a car or acapella your screwed.

Some of my mistakes:

Britney Spears 'On my radar' = 'Operator'
Fresh Prince of Belair '...shooting some b'ball' = '...shooting some people'
The Kooks - Naive 'I know that she knows that I'm not fond of asking' = 'I know, she knows, that im back from the Roskin'
I don't even know what a Roskin is...?

Here's song that to me is impossible to put into lyrical lines - i think aorund 99.31% will agree. However still cool to listen to...

Training tastebuds

So every year i try to train my tastebuds to like some food/drink that i don't like. Last year i conquered lamb(ish), the year before coffee and this year is supposed to be fish.

Now, i like tuna and can recall eating fish fingers and other cod delights when i was younger but for some reason stopped and now its escalated into some sort of phobia style food attack. A couple weeks ago i tried some salmon but only managed 2/3's before i freaked out and couldn't overcome my brain sensing danger. I've been informed fish from a fish and chip shop is a good starting point so fingers crossed...
I'll keep my fish quest updated.
I still have a good 7 months to get this sorted.

My bruise is bigger than yours!

People secretly like having injuries when they're able to exhibition their bodies.
If someone has a bruise they have to show it to someone, especially if there's a good story behind it. However, occasionally you will unknowingly step into a 'battle of the bruises'. This is when :YOU HAVE JUST ENTERED INTO AN UNANNOUNCED COMPETITION.
Someone will downgrade your bruise/cut/any other injury by showing you theirs, or describing an exaggerated injury they had from the past...(notice how it will always be a worse) You know the downgrader is most probably exaggerating but you can't prove it.

The worst thing is when you feel awful but there are no physical signs, there's nothing to show for your pain! A cold, but there is no cough. A pulled muscle. Faintness but no fainting or a headache from hell.

The pay off for injuring yourself is the physical sign, there is no bright side to non-physical injury.