Swear words

I was 'told off' numerous times when i was young for saying 'crap'. Apparently it's a swear word.

I was allowed to say crap at home, which is why i never considered it a swear word. In fact i used it as a replacement to a swear word. I refuse to lose crap to the swear word family, after that - what's left? Fiddle sticks? Deary me? Exactly... we need to save crap from being forbidden.

After all, crap is a replacement for another swearword already - 'shit' is the swearword, crap is the okay word. Plus, it's a cooler way of saying poo.

I think i've won this fight, crap is not a swearword so go forth and say it!

P.s. My sister would like to campaign for 'bugger' to be released of its swearword identity also... but that's a whole new battle. Becky, I'm sorry but i'll need to replenish my ammunition for that battle.

Shit happens

This post has been inspired by an earlier incident this morning.

What is the likelihood of getting shat on?
The world's surface area is 510072000 km2 (copy and pasted from wikipedia of corse). Now think of how much space your head occupies within that...
It makes the chance of getting hit seems pretty slim.
Please note: Meat heads will be at slightly bigger disadvantage.

Well, it would appear not so slim in my case. I've been hit by bird shit twice now. And to make things even less probable, both times have been within 6 months, in the same 5m radius. So you might think, 'oh, well it's probably the same bird, that sits in the same spot' - but then why do i have to time it just right to walk underneath. It probably only relieves itself a few times a day, which makes it even more unlikely.

And just to take the piss even more, IT HAPPENED UNDERGROUND!

Spelling 2

Another spelling related site, this time auto corrects gone wrong.

Check them out here

Spelling

The highlight of my week: The 65 best obnoxious responses to misspellings on Facebook.

Check it out
Here's a quick taster...







You can't beat a bit of good old fashioned wit. Truly amazing stuff.

Boarding

The worst things about flying are the queues, the waiting and the boarding.
I find the boarding process particularly unpleasant. You can feel the eyes burning through the back of your head if your towards the front of the queue, or smell the desperation and fear towards the back. Young families start revving their prams and pensioners are sizing you up. It's a pretty scary place to be.

When i boarded a plane a couple weeks ago i thought i might avoid this problem as it had allocated seating. I was wrong.
People were still acting as if they might not get a seat... despite having a seat. And much like the human chicken post, the OAP's were the worst culprits again!

Bubbles

I'm not sure if this is really smart or just obvious but people often drown because they get disorientated under water and can't tell which way is towards the surface.

My logic would tell me to blow a few bubbles under water and follow the direction they go. Even if you have no air left you can still create bubbles under water by flapping your arms like a slow motion chicken.



Problem solved.

Animal translations

Aside from Lonely island and Jon Lajoie, animal translations are some of the greatest videos youtube has to offer. You can easily lose hours of your day just going from one clip to another.

So if you're bored at work or have run out of conversation at the pub i recommend watching some animal translation videos.

Here are my personal favourites to get you started:

Facebook statuses

Over the last 2 years there's been a decline in facebook statuses.
Is this because:
a) My facebook friends are getting older and busier
b) Twitter has grown so more people are tweeting rather than status updating
c) Statuses have become less cool (the more you update, the more obvious it is that you don't have a life)

Whatever the reason i'm pretty happy about it. The status updating did get to a point where it was getting ridiculous.
`I'm awake', `i'm off to have some breakfast', `my cat is also awake', `must feed my cat now, lol', 'time to go back upstairs and get changed' etc. There's just no need for that much information, i don't give a shit what you're doing every second of the day - this is not a personal diary, if you want a stalker i'm sure there's easier ways.

The reason why facebook changed the question in the status box from `what are you doing right now?' to `what's on your mind?' was probably to prompt more exciting statuses and prevent mass murder.

Let's be honest, the only statuses we really like are the more offensive and entertaining.
Frapes for example, you never get bored of reading a good frape.

Tube seats

If you're lucky enough to get a seat on the underground, the problems only just begin.
There's signs and posters encouraging 'seat holders' to offer their seats to pregnant women, the disabled and elderly people.



The first problem with this theory is deciding who is eligible for the 'disabled, elderly & pregnant' category.
What's the tipping point between being kind and rude?
How do you know what age is appropriate?
You might offend a old looking 50 year old...
Or even worse, mistake a fat woman for being pregnant.
Where are the guidelines?
If someone has one arm, does this make them more worthy of your seat?


I'd rather avoid these situations by standing.
If you do end up sitting the best technique is to keep your eyes down. Never look up, then you can't get it wrong. Even better, make sure you pick up the Evening Standard - then you're clearly to engrossed in your newspaper to notice the frail 80 year old collapsing directly in front of you.
Problem sorted!

Lovely LITTLE insight

Just found this. Brilliant.



It's not that clear but it's for VW, the other logo is Porsche.

The Lottery

There are 2 things you think when you turn 16:

1) I can legally have sex
2) I can buy a lottery ticket

I do the lottery online ever week like millions of people in desperate hopes of winning the jackpot. But then again i'd be happy with just mere £10,000. I'm not greedy.
In the 4 months i've been playing it i've won a grand total of (drum roll please...) £20.

So fair enough people win, people lose but the other day i read a story about a couple winning the jackpot not just once, but TWICE! Why would you still need to play the lottery after winning? This is just unfair.
And if you think that's bad, someone in the US has won five times!

I'd like to propose a new rule to the national lottery, previous winners can only win the jackpot once and then should leave the lottery to the poorer people and get on with their rich, enjoyable lives.

One of my favourite time wasting sites

I've often thought about this likely event:




Wish for more lamps instead! Genius.
For more useful tips on becoming rich, preventing poverty or learning how to fly try visiting http://trollphysics.tumblr.com/

How to avoid people

Saw this for the first time today - pretty good tip

Urges

Before reading this just know I AM NOT CRAZY

Do you ever get a sudden urge to do something?
It could be as simple as slapping your friend in the face for no reason or even jumping in front of a car... I remember having them at school when i was younger, feeling the sudden urge to climb on to a table and shout abuse at everyone..? They seem to strike now when i'm waiting at a crossing or just before a train comes worryingly. Apparently these are quite common and called intrusive thoughts. You imagine these disturbing situations like swerving your car into oncoming traffic and pulling down your trousers at work.

I'm guessing the only difference between a person in a psychiatric hospital and a 'normal' person (probably incorrect term) is that you don't act on them.

Fingers crossed!


http://purgetheurge.com/ somewhere to put your urges

Tanning salon marketing

I really don't get the marketing strategy here:



Where did salons manage to make the link between people liking to tan and giant animal costumes with fluorescent jackets?

This is the best that i could come up with,

Tanning -> Orange skin -> Flourescent jacket?
Tanning -> Appearance -> Looking like and animal?

Hmmmm....