Texting.
When is it appropriate to put a 'x'?
Girl to girl = friendly
Girl to boy = friendly / flirty
Boy to boy = gay?
Is it even a kiss anymore?
I use them as if they were a full stop.
Another issue.
LOL ROFL LMFAO
Are you actually laughing?
HA HA HE HE
Better or worse?
Still sounds just as fake...
HE HE - Men should never make this noise let alone use it in a text
One more thing.
:-) ;-) :-p
Overuse/Misuse of faces.
Have you ever done a side wink and poked your tongue out at the same time in real life?
Didn't think so.
Follow these simple rules to avoid being a texting dick...
1) x's are not to be taken literally
2) 1 laugh abbreviation is to be used per text and ONLY if you are genuinely laughing
3) Only make faces you'd actually pull
4) Text language does not belong in the real world
Any additional rules are welcome.
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Tuesday, 18 October 2011
The man look
The man look consists of 3 parts.
Part 1 - Politely ask where the object is you're searching for
Part 2 - Go to said area and glimpse into the space for a split second
Important: Spend no more than 0.78 seconds, this is just enough time to simultaneously escalate into a frustrated panic
Part 3 - Throw a man-sized tantrum until the woman repeats part 2 for you properly
Part 1 - Politely ask where the object is you're searching for
Part 2 - Go to said area and glimpse into the space for a split second
Important: Spend no more than 0.78 seconds, this is just enough time to simultaneously escalate into a frustrated panic
Part 3 - Throw a man-sized tantrum until the woman repeats part 2 for you properly
Thursday, 22 September 2011
Gym truths
When hearing the word gym you envisage this...
but see more of
You expect to be a natural...
but in reality
You picture a beautiful, clean, empty space...
but it's always more
And, the rewarding feeling you get...
looks more like this
but see more of
You expect to be a natural...
but in reality
You picture a beautiful, clean, empty space...
but it's always more
And, the rewarding feeling you get...
looks more like this
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Ridiculous Laws
There's probably thousands of people out there wondering, 'Can i wear my suit of amour in the House of Parliament?' and 'When i go to Kentucky is it legal to carry my ice-cream in my back pocket?'
Hopefully this much needed post will solve those queries...
20 ridiculous foreign laws:
1) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired)
2) In Kentucky, US, every citizen is required by law to take a bath at least once a year
3) In Kentucky, it’s also illegal to carry ice-cream in your back pocket
4) In Quitman, Georgia, US, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road
5) In Georgia, US, donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs
6) Alaska law says that you can't look at a moose from an airplane
7) In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal
8) It's illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China
9) It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland
10) It is illegal to purchase or consume Jack Daniel's Whiskey in the town in which it is produced
11) It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary
12) It is illegal NOT to smile in Pocatello, Idaho
13) In Nebraska, It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup
14) In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits
15) In Massachusetts, It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath
16) In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband if he does not keep her supplied with coffee
17) In Holland, you can be fined for not using a shopping basket at a grocery store
18) In France, it is legal to marry a dead person
19) In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
20) In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
And, 10 of our own:
1) It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
2) It is also illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of amour
3) In Liverpool, it’s illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
4) Farmers in England are required by law to provide their pigs with toys
5) Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day
6) In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter
7) In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet
8) The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
9) It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down
10) In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
Happy law-abiding!
Hopefully this much needed post will solve those queries...
20 ridiculous foreign laws:
1) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired)
2) In Kentucky, US, every citizen is required by law to take a bath at least once a year
3) In Kentucky, it’s also illegal to carry ice-cream in your back pocket
4) In Quitman, Georgia, US, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road
5) In Georgia, US, donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs
6) Alaska law says that you can't look at a moose from an airplane
7) In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal
8) It's illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China
9) It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland
10) It is illegal to purchase or consume Jack Daniel's Whiskey in the town in which it is produced
11) It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary
12) It is illegal NOT to smile in Pocatello, Idaho
13) In Nebraska, It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup
14) In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits
15) In Massachusetts, It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath
16) In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband if he does not keep her supplied with coffee
17) In Holland, you can be fined for not using a shopping basket at a grocery store
18) In France, it is legal to marry a dead person
19) In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk
20) In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth
And, 10 of our own:
1) It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament
2) It is also illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of amour
3) In Liverpool, it’s illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
4) Farmers in England are required by law to provide their pigs with toys
5) Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day
6) In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter
7) In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet
8) The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen
9) It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down
10) In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow
Happy law-abiding!
Friday, 12 August 2011
Bless you
I've never been good at 'blessing' people when they sneeze.
The natural response just doesn't come naturally.
When people say it to me, all i can say is thanks - but what am i thanking?
So, i looked it up and here's the low down:
It was either
1) Used as an effort to fight against disease especially around the time of the bubonic plague
2) When you sneeze your heart stops beating so was used to ensure return of life by encouraging your heart to start beating once again
Or
3) Sneezing opened your body to invasion by the devil so was used as a shield against evil
Bottom line is there's no definite origin for the custom... so now it's just habit i guess.
I think i don't say it because firstly 'bless you' is a religious term and i'm atheist, and secondly i forget.
For me sneezing is the just same as coughing... and people never say 'bless you' when you cough.
The natural response just doesn't come naturally.
When people say it to me, all i can say is thanks - but what am i thanking?
So, i looked it up and here's the low down:
It was either
1) Used as an effort to fight against disease especially around the time of the bubonic plague
2) When you sneeze your heart stops beating so was used to ensure return of life by encouraging your heart to start beating once again
Or
3) Sneezing opened your body to invasion by the devil so was used as a shield against evil
Bottom line is there's no definite origin for the custom... so now it's just habit i guess.
I think i don't say it because firstly 'bless you' is a religious term and i'm atheist, and secondly i forget.
For me sneezing is the just same as coughing... and people never say 'bless you' when you cough.
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Toyota Fail
Great use of technology and innovation.
Bad use of basic car safety.
Why isn't she wearing her seatbelt!
Apparently it's because it was made in a controlled, static environment...
But something tells me it was actually because they forgot.
Bad use of basic car safety.
Why isn't she wearing her seatbelt!
Apparently it's because it was made in a controlled, static environment...
But something tells me it was actually because they forgot.
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Expectations vs Reality
1)
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
(I think even this reality is a bit too ambitious)
11)
12)
13)
14)
15)
16)
17)
Found via http://www.buzzfeed.com/ - I don't have that much time
2)
3)
4)
5)
6)
7)
8)
9)
10)
(I think even this reality is a bit too ambitious)
11)
12)
13)
14)
15)
16)
17)
Found via http://www.buzzfeed.com/ - I don't have that much time
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Online meets offline.
If you were to clash the online social networking habits with the real world, it would go a bit like this:
Monday, 4 July 2011
Swear words
I was 'told off' numerous times when i was young for saying 'crap'. Apparently it's a swear word.
I was allowed to say crap at home, which is why i never considered it a swear word. In fact i used it as a replacement to a swear word. I refuse to lose crap to the swear word family, after that - what's left? Fiddle sticks? Deary me? Exactly... we need to save crap from being forbidden.
After all, crap is a replacement for another swearword already - 'shit' is the swearword, crap is the okay word. Plus, it's a cooler way of saying poo.
I think i've won this fight, crap is not a swearword so go forth and say it!
P.s. My sister would like to campaign for 'bugger' to be released of its swearword identity also... but that's a whole new battle. Becky, I'm sorry but i'll need to replenish my ammunition for that battle.
I was allowed to say crap at home, which is why i never considered it a swear word. In fact i used it as a replacement to a swear word. I refuse to lose crap to the swear word family, after that - what's left? Fiddle sticks? Deary me? Exactly... we need to save crap from being forbidden.
After all, crap is a replacement for another swearword already - 'shit' is the swearword, crap is the okay word. Plus, it's a cooler way of saying poo.
I think i've won this fight, crap is not a swearword so go forth and say it!
P.s. My sister would like to campaign for 'bugger' to be released of its swearword identity also... but that's a whole new battle. Becky, I'm sorry but i'll need to replenish my ammunition for that battle.
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Shit happens
This post has been inspired by an earlier incident this morning.
What is the likelihood of getting shat on?
The world's surface area is 510072000 km2 (copy and pasted from wikipedia of corse). Now think of how much space your head occupies within that...
It makes the chance of getting hit seems pretty slim.
Please note: Meat heads will be at slightly bigger disadvantage.
Well, it would appear not so slim in my case. I've been hit by bird shit twice now. And to make things even less probable, both times have been within 6 months, in the same 5m radius. So you might think, 'oh, well it's probably the same bird, that sits in the same spot' - but then why do i have to time it just right to walk underneath. It probably only relieves itself a few times a day, which makes it even more unlikely.
And just to take the piss even more, IT HAPPENED UNDERGROUND!
What is the likelihood of getting shat on?
The world's surface area is 510072000 km2 (copy and pasted from wikipedia of corse). Now think of how much space your head occupies within that...
It makes the chance of getting hit seems pretty slim.
Please note: Meat heads will be at slightly bigger disadvantage.
Well, it would appear not so slim in my case. I've been hit by bird shit twice now. And to make things even less probable, both times have been within 6 months, in the same 5m radius. So you might think, 'oh, well it's probably the same bird, that sits in the same spot' - but then why do i have to time it just right to walk underneath. It probably only relieves itself a few times a day, which makes it even more unlikely.
And just to take the piss even more, IT HAPPENED UNDERGROUND!
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Spelling
The highlight of my week: The 65 best obnoxious responses to misspellings on Facebook.
Check it out
Here's a quick taster...
You can't beat a bit of good old fashioned wit. Truly amazing stuff.
Check it out
Here's a quick taster...
You can't beat a bit of good old fashioned wit. Truly amazing stuff.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Boarding
The worst things about flying are the queues, the waiting and the boarding.
I find the boarding process particularly unpleasant. You can feel the eyes burning through the back of your head if your towards the front of the queue, or smell the desperation and fear towards the back. Young families start revving their prams and pensioners are sizing you up. It's a pretty scary place to be.
When i boarded a plane a couple weeks ago i thought i might avoid this problem as it had allocated seating. I was wrong.
People were still acting as if they might not get a seat... despite having a seat. And much like the human chicken post, the OAP's were the worst culprits again!
I find the boarding process particularly unpleasant. You can feel the eyes burning through the back of your head if your towards the front of the queue, or smell the desperation and fear towards the back. Young families start revving their prams and pensioners are sizing you up. It's a pretty scary place to be.
When i boarded a plane a couple weeks ago i thought i might avoid this problem as it had allocated seating. I was wrong.
People were still acting as if they might not get a seat... despite having a seat. And much like the human chicken post, the OAP's were the worst culprits again!
Thursday, 12 May 2011
Bubbles
I'm not sure if this is really smart or just obvious but people often drown because they get disorientated under water and can't tell which way is towards the surface.
My logic would tell me to blow a few bubbles under water and follow the direction they go. Even if you have no air left you can still create bubbles under water by flapping your arms like a slow motion chicken.
Problem solved.
My logic would tell me to blow a few bubbles under water and follow the direction they go. Even if you have no air left you can still create bubbles under water by flapping your arms like a slow motion chicken.
Problem solved.
Wednesday, 4 May 2011
Animal translations
Aside from Lonely island and Jon Lajoie, animal translations are some of the greatest videos youtube has to offer. You can easily lose hours of your day just going from one clip to another.
So if you're bored at work or have run out of conversation at the pub i recommend watching some animal translation videos.
Here are my personal favourites to get you started:
So if you're bored at work or have run out of conversation at the pub i recommend watching some animal translation videos.
Here are my personal favourites to get you started:
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