Thursday, 20 December 2012

Monday, 23 April 2012

Greetings & Farewells

Awkward wave?
1 kiss on the cheek?
2 kisses?

Everyone's greeting is different nowadays, so how do you know which one to whip out in those few crucial seconds?
The amount of times i've left someone hanging, misjudged the amount of kisses or hugged someone with one hand in theirs in an awkward handshake-hug combo...

If i had to write a greetings rule book it would be:

Same sexes should settle for a good old fashioned handshake.
If meeting for a second time and onwards, a hug.

Opposite sexes should offer an extend of the hand followed by 1 kiss on the cheek if wanted.
Upon a second meeting, a hug can be given instead.

Awkward waves are used if the distance between you is too great or obstructions are in the way.

Please note: There should not be in excess of 1 kiss EVER, it just gets complicated. 

As for the farewell, handshake greetings are upgradable to a hug farewell.


Please note: This rule book is not applicable in many circumstances such as dates, interviews, the elderly... or pretty much any other circumstance than meeting friends. In such cases, good luck. 

Wednesday, 29 February 2012

The security of sound

Sound = Security

Please show the working:

Ever had that moment when you're describing a song and get asked "what's it go like?"...

What happens next?
A sheer wash of panic.

Please give another example:

You're singing along to a song, really 'in the zone.'

The music cuts out.

In this split second of singing a capella without the safety of noise, you have a choice to make:

Do i carry on strong and finish the line in 'faked confidence?'
Freak out and stop ASAP.

Not many choose the first option, if you do good luck and all the best.
If you decide to opt normally, your voice will begin what i'm going to call: The Frailly Fade Out
It's a rare noise to leave your body.
Your voice suddenly sounds like it's aged 50 years as it disappears, leaving you with nothing left to do but face the red curtains of embarrassment.

Sound = Security

Full marks.

Friday, 3 February 2012

A Tuna Revelation

This is worthy of a news announcement:

Why the hell don't we have this?
Tuna is a staple in everyone's cupboard (excluding vegetarians, unless they're the "i eat fish" one's'.
It's a staple because it's quick.
This is even quicker! The extra ingredients are already there.

Absolute genius.
This is the most ground breaking discovery since the wheel.

John, we need this in Britain asap.

Friday, 6 January 2012

The 'usual'


Man/woman walks in to their local cafe.
'Ah Bob/Bobetta, the usual?'

End of scenario.

'The usual' is that a good thing or bad?

I'm undecided.
I've worked in a sandwich shop and in a pub - both of which places i'd think the following things simultaneously when a regular walked in...
'Hey, glad to see you again, here's your favourite'
'If i'm bored of you ordering the same, surely you must be...?'

On the one hand, you don't have to think, there's minimum risk - you already know you like it so why change a good thing.

On the other hand, you're predictable which is closely followed by boring.

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

A summary of 2011

The Wins

And, the Fails

A truly groundbreaking year, i'm sure you'll agree...

Friday, 16 December 2011


Here's a problem in some serious need of correcting. I'm pretty sure it won't just improve lives, it will also save them - and could potentially solve world peace in the long term.


We've all had that moment when your feeling a bit tried of looking up at the screen inbetween typing sections of text, so you get a little cocky and perhaps go 15 seconds without looking up. Then, once you've finally mustered the energy to raise your eyes, it's in CAPS.
It's like the words themselves are shouting at you for being so lazy and you know the only thing left to do is re-type the whole thing again, this time with extra looking.

So i ask: Why isn't there a reverse CAPS option yet?

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Friday, 18 November 2011

Lost in transit

A couple weeks ago my Aussie housemates enlightened me to the phrase 'sticky beak', which means the same as the English phrase 'sneaky peak'.

It's pretty clear what's happened here:

A traveller (let's make him male) once came to England and picked up the phrase 'sneaky peak'.
When it became time to return home the journey was so long (this was before planes), he began to forget the phrase.
When he finally returned to Australia he got in to a conversation...
I imagine it went a bit like this:

"G'day mate"
"Ah mate, g'day"
"Bin' a whiale eint it mate"
"Yih, it'as. Hey did yah 'ere about the Barbie t'night"
"Nah i din't mate"
"Yih, Barbie t'night mate. Was a big off croc in me garden yesterdih mate - So i shot it and me Sheila said it'd be great on the Barbie"
"Nice one mate, how big we talkin"
"I'd 'av t'say a good 2 miters mate - it's jus over thir under me human siyze koala"
"Ahhh mate, let's 'av a...."

And this is where he stumbled searching for the phrase.

"....sticky beak"
"Sticky beak? I like it mate - niyce phrase"
"Thanks mate, those English 'av tonnes of 'em"
"Yih, 'af to start using that one mate - impress the Sheila's y'know"
"Yih mate"

Before you know it, the term 'sticky beak' has spread as fast as the news of a discounted beer across the whole of Australia!

I'm sure this happens more often than you'd think worldwide and i'd support it with more examples, but it's a Friday and my brain's pretty much shut down.

*This may not be factual or supported by any real evidence
*But it's still true

An unnecessary,
stereotypical picture

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

x LOL x


When is it appropriate to put a 'x'?
Girl to girl = friendly
Girl to boy = friendly / flirty
Boy to boy = gay?
Is it even a kiss anymore?
I use them as if they were a full stop.

Another issue.
Are you actually laughing?
Better or worse?
Still sounds just as fake...
HE HE - Men should never make this noise let alone use it in a text

One more thing.
:-) ;-) :-p
Overuse/Misuse of faces.
Have you ever done a side wink and poked your tongue out at the same time in real life?
Didn't think so.

Follow these simple rules to avoid being a texting dick...

1) x's are not to be taken literally
2) 1 laugh abbreviation is to be used per text and ONLY if you are genuinely laughing
3) Only make faces you'd actually pull
4) Text language does not belong in the real world

Any additional rules are welcome.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

The man look

The man look consists of 3 parts.

Part 1 - Politely ask where the object is you're searching for
Part 2 - Go to said area and glimpse into the space for a split second
Important: Spend no more than 0.78 seconds, this is just enough time to simultaneously escalate into a frustrated panic
Part 3 - Throw a man-sized tantrum until the woman repeats part 2 for you properly

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Gym truths

When hearing the word gym you envisage this...

but see more of

You expect to be a natural...

but in reality

You picture a beautiful, clean, empty space...

but it's always more

And, the rewarding feeling you get...

looks more like this

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Ridiculous Laws

There's probably thousands of people out there wondering, 'Can i wear my suit of amour in the House of Parliament?' and 'When i go to Kentucky is it legal to carry my ice-cream in my back pocket?'
Hopefully this much needed post will solve those queries...

20 ridiculous foreign laws:

1) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired)

2) In Kentucky, US, every citizen is required by law to take a bath at least once a year

3) In Kentucky, it’s also illegal to carry ice-cream in your back pocket

4) In Quitman, Georgia, US, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road

5) In Georgia, US, donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs

6) Alaska law says that you can't look at a moose from an airplane

7) In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal

8) It's illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China

9) It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland

10) It is illegal to purchase or consume Jack Daniel's Whiskey in the town in which it is produced

11) It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary

12) It is illegal NOT to smile in Pocatello, Idaho

13) In Nebraska, It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup

14) In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits

15) In Massachusetts, It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath

16) In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband if he does not keep her supplied with coffee

17) In Holland, you can be fined for not using a shopping basket at a grocery store

18) In France, it is legal to marry a dead person

19) In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk

20) In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth

And, 10 of our own:

1) It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

2) It is also illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of amour

3) In Liverpool, it’s illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store

4) Farmers in England are required by law to provide their pigs with toys

5) Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day

6) In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter

7) In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet

8) The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen

9) It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down

10) In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

Happy law-abiding!

Friday, 12 August 2011

Bless you

I've never been good at 'blessing' people when they sneeze.
The natural response just doesn't come naturally.
When people say it to me, all i can say is thanks - but what am i thanking?

So, i looked it up and here's the low down:

It was either
1) Used as an effort to fight against disease especially around the time of the bubonic plague
2) When you sneeze your heart stops beating so was used to ensure return of life by encouraging your heart to start beating once again
3) Sneezing opened your body to invasion by the devil so was used as a shield against evil

Bottom line is there's no definite origin for the custom... so now it's just habit i guess.

I think i don't say it because firstly 'bless you' is a religious term and i'm atheist, and secondly i forget.

For me sneezing is the just same as coughing... and people never say 'bless you' when you cough.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Toyota Fail

Great use of technology and innovation.

Bad use of basic car safety.

Why isn't she wearing her seatbelt!
Apparently it's because it was made in a controlled, static environment...

But something tells me it was actually because they forgot.