Friday, 16 December 2011


Here's a problem in some serious need of correcting. I'm pretty sure it won't just improve lives, it will also save them - and could potentially solve world peace in the long term.


We've all had that moment when your feeling a bit tried of looking up at the screen inbetween typing sections of text, so you get a little cocky and perhaps go 15 seconds without looking up. Then, once you've finally mustered the energy to raise your eyes, it's in CAPS.
It's like the words themselves are shouting at you for being so lazy and you know the only thing left to do is re-type the whole thing again, this time with extra looking.

So i ask: Why isn't there a reverse CAPS option yet?

Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Friday, 18 November 2011

Lost in transit

A couple weeks ago my Aussie housemates enlightened me to the phrase 'sticky beak', which means the same as the English phrase 'sneaky peak'.

It's pretty clear what's happened here:

A traveller (let's make him male) once came to England and picked up the phrase 'sneaky peak'.
When it became time to return home the journey was so long (this was before planes), he began to forget the phrase.
When he finally returned to Australia he got in to a conversation...
I imagine it went a bit like this:

"G'day mate"
"Ah mate, g'day"
"Bin' a whiale eint it mate"
"Yih, it'as. Hey did yah 'ere about the Barbie t'night"
"Nah i din't mate"
"Yih, Barbie t'night mate. Was a big off croc in me garden yesterdih mate - So i shot it and me Sheila said it'd be great on the Barbie"
"Nice one mate, how big we talkin"
"I'd 'av t'say a good 2 miters mate - it's jus over thir under me human siyze koala"
"Ahhh mate, let's 'av a...."

And this is where he stumbled searching for the phrase.

"....sticky beak"
"Sticky beak? I like it mate - niyce phrase"
"Thanks mate, those English 'av tonnes of 'em"
"Yih, 'af to start using that one mate - impress the Sheila's y'know"
"Yih mate"

Before you know it, the term 'sticky beak' has spread as fast as the news of a discounted beer across the whole of Australia!

I'm sure this happens more often than you'd think worldwide and i'd support it with more examples, but it's a Friday and my brain's pretty much shut down.

*This may not be factual or supported by any real evidence
*But it's still true

An unnecessary,
stereotypical picture

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

x LOL x


When is it appropriate to put a 'x'?
Girl to girl = friendly
Girl to boy = friendly / flirty
Boy to boy = gay?
Is it even a kiss anymore?
I use them as if they were a full stop.

Another issue.
Are you actually laughing?
Better or worse?
Still sounds just as fake...
HE HE - Men should never make this noise let alone use it in a text

One more thing.
:-) ;-) :-p
Overuse/Misuse of faces.
Have you ever done a side wink and poked your tongue out at the same time in real life?
Didn't think so.

Follow these simple rules to avoid being a texting dick...

1) x's are not to be taken literally
2) 1 laugh abbreviation is to be used per text and ONLY if you are genuinely laughing
3) Only make faces you'd actually pull
4) Text language does not belong in the real world

Any additional rules are welcome.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

The man look

The man look consists of 3 parts.

Part 1 - Politely ask where the object is you're searching for
Part 2 - Go to said area and glimpse into the space for a split second
Important: Spend no more than 0.78 seconds, this is just enough time to simultaneously escalate into a frustrated panic
Part 3 - Throw a man-sized tantrum until the woman repeats part 2 for you properly

Thursday, 22 September 2011

Gym truths

When hearing the word gym you envisage this...

but see more of

You expect to be a natural...

but in reality

You picture a beautiful, clean, empty space...

but it's always more

And, the rewarding feeling you get...

looks more like this

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Ridiculous Laws

There's probably thousands of people out there wondering, 'Can i wear my suit of amour in the House of Parliament?' and 'When i go to Kentucky is it legal to carry my ice-cream in my back pocket?'
Hopefully this much needed post will solve those queries...

20 ridiculous foreign laws:

1) In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. (The husband's lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired)

2) In Kentucky, US, every citizen is required by law to take a bath at least once a year

3) In Kentucky, it’s also illegal to carry ice-cream in your back pocket

4) In Quitman, Georgia, US, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road

5) In Georgia, US, donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs

6) Alaska law says that you can't look at a moose from an airplane

7) In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal

8) It's illegal to own a red car in Shanghai, China

9) It was once against the law to slam your car door in a city in Switzerland

10) It is illegal to purchase or consume Jack Daniel's Whiskey in the town in which it is produced

11) It is illegal to be a prostitute in Siena, Italy, if your name is Mary

12) It is illegal NOT to smile in Pocatello, Idaho

13) In Nebraska, It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup

14) In Natoma, Kansas, it's illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suits

15) In Massachusetts, It is illegal to go to bed without first having a full bath

16) In Saudi Arabia, a woman reportedly may divorce her husband if he does not keep her supplied with coffee

17) In Holland, you can be fined for not using a shopping basket at a grocery store

18) In France, it is legal to marry a dead person

19) In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk

20) In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth

And, 10 of our own:

1) It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

2) It is also illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of amour

3) In Liverpool, it’s illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store

4) Farmers in England are required by law to provide their pigs with toys

5) Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day

6) In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter

7) In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet

8) The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen

9) It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down

10) In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow

Happy law-abiding!

Friday, 12 August 2011

Bless you

I've never been good at 'blessing' people when they sneeze.
The natural response just doesn't come naturally.
When people say it to me, all i can say is thanks - but what am i thanking?

So, i looked it up and here's the low down:

It was either
1) Used as an effort to fight against disease especially around the time of the bubonic plague
2) When you sneeze your heart stops beating so was used to ensure return of life by encouraging your heart to start beating once again
3) Sneezing opened your body to invasion by the devil so was used as a shield against evil

Bottom line is there's no definite origin for the custom... so now it's just habit i guess.

I think i don't say it because firstly 'bless you' is a religious term and i'm atheist, and secondly i forget.

For me sneezing is the just same as coughing... and people never say 'bless you' when you cough.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Toyota Fail

Great use of technology and innovation.

Bad use of basic car safety.

Why isn't she wearing her seatbelt!
Apparently it's because it was made in a controlled, static environment...

But something tells me it was actually because they forgot.

Thursday, 21 July 2011

Expectations vs Reality











(I think even this reality is a bit too ambitious)








Found via - I don't have that much time

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Online meets offline.

If you were to clash the online social networking habits with the real world, it would go a bit like this:

Monday, 4 July 2011

Swear words

I was 'told off' numerous times when i was young for saying 'crap'. Apparently it's a swear word.

I was allowed to say crap at home, which is why i never considered it a swear word. In fact i used it as a replacement to a swear word. I refuse to lose crap to the swear word family, after that - what's left? Fiddle sticks? Deary me? Exactly... we need to save crap from being forbidden.

After all, crap is a replacement for another swearword already - 'shit' is the swearword, crap is the okay word. Plus, it's a cooler way of saying poo.

I think i've won this fight, crap is not a swearword so go forth and say it!

P.s. My sister would like to campaign for 'bugger' to be released of its swearword identity also... but that's a whole new battle. Becky, I'm sorry but i'll need to replenish my ammunition for that battle.

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Shit happens

This post has been inspired by an earlier incident this morning.

What is the likelihood of getting shat on?
The world's surface area is 510072000 km2 (copy and pasted from wikipedia of corse). Now think of how much space your head occupies within that...
It makes the chance of getting hit seems pretty slim.
Please note: Meat heads will be at slightly bigger disadvantage.

Well, it would appear not so slim in my case. I've been hit by bird shit twice now. And to make things even less probable, both times have been within 6 months, in the same 5m radius. So you might think, 'oh, well it's probably the same bird, that sits in the same spot' - but then why do i have to time it just right to walk underneath. It probably only relieves itself a few times a day, which makes it even more unlikely.

And just to take the piss even more, IT HAPPENED UNDERGROUND!

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Spelling 2

Another spelling related site, this time auto corrects gone wrong.

Check them out here

Sunday, 12 June 2011


The highlight of my week: The 65 best obnoxious responses to misspellings on Facebook.

Check it out
Here's a quick taster...

You can't beat a bit of good old fashioned wit. Truly amazing stuff.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011


The worst things about flying are the queues, the waiting and the boarding.
I find the boarding process particularly unpleasant. You can feel the eyes burning through the back of your head if your towards the front of the queue, or smell the desperation and fear towards the back. Young families start revving their prams and pensioners are sizing you up. It's a pretty scary place to be.

When i boarded a plane a couple weeks ago i thought i might avoid this problem as it had allocated seating. I was wrong.
People were still acting as if they might not get a seat... despite having a seat. And much like the human chicken post, the OAP's were the worst culprits again!

Thursday, 12 May 2011


I'm not sure if this is really smart or just obvious but people often drown because they get disorientated under water and can't tell which way is towards the surface.

My logic would tell me to blow a few bubbles under water and follow the direction they go. Even if you have no air left you can still create bubbles under water by flapping your arms like a slow motion chicken.

Problem solved.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Animal translations

Aside from Lonely island and Jon Lajoie, animal translations are some of the greatest videos youtube has to offer. You can easily lose hours of your day just going from one clip to another.

So if you're bored at work or have run out of conversation at the pub i recommend watching some animal translation videos.

Here are my personal favourites to get you started:

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Facebook statuses

Over the last 2 years there's been a decline in facebook statuses.
Is this because:
a) My facebook friends are getting older and busier
b) Twitter has grown so more people are tweeting rather than status updating
c) Statuses have become less cool (the more you update, the more obvious it is that you don't have a life)

Whatever the reason i'm pretty happy about it. The status updating did get to a point where it was getting ridiculous.
`I'm awake', `i'm off to have some breakfast', `my cat is also awake', `must feed my cat now, lol', 'time to go back upstairs and get changed' etc. There's just no need for that much information, i don't give a shit what you're doing every second of the day - this is not a personal diary, if you want a stalker i'm sure there's easier ways.

The reason why facebook changed the question in the status box from `what are you doing right now?' to `what's on your mind?' was probably to prompt more exciting statuses and prevent mass murder.

Let's be honest, the only statuses we really like are the more offensive and entertaining.
Frapes for example, you never get bored of reading a good frape.

Monday, 28 March 2011

Tube seats

If you're lucky enough to get a seat on the underground, the problems only just begin.
There's signs and posters encouraging 'seat holders' to offer their seats to pregnant women, the disabled and elderly people.

The first problem with this theory is deciding who is eligible for the 'disabled, elderly & pregnant' category.
What's the tipping point between being kind and rude?
How do you know what age is appropriate?
You might offend a old looking 50 year old...
Or even worse, mistake a fat woman for being pregnant.
Where are the guidelines?
If someone has one arm, does this make them more worthy of your seat?

I'd rather avoid these situations by standing.
If you do end up sitting the best technique is to keep your eyes down. Never look up, then you can't get it wrong. Even better, make sure you pick up the Evening Standard - then you're clearly to engrossed in your newspaper to notice the frail 80 year old collapsing directly in front of you.
Problem sorted!

Friday, 25 March 2011

Lovely LITTLE insight

Just found this. Brilliant.

It's not that clear but it's for VW, the other logo is Porsche.

Friday, 18 March 2011

The Lottery

There are 2 things you think when you turn 16:

1) I can legally have sex
2) I can buy a lottery ticket

I do the lottery online ever week like millions of people in desperate hopes of winning the jackpot. But then again i'd be happy with just mere £10,000. I'm not greedy.
In the 4 months i've been playing it i've won a grand total of (drum roll please...) £20.

So fair enough people win, people lose but the other day i read a story about a couple winning the jackpot not just once, but TWICE! Why would you still need to play the lottery after winning? This is just unfair.
And if you think that's bad, someone in the US has won five times!

I'd like to propose a new rule to the national lottery, previous winners can only win the jackpot once and then should leave the lottery to the poorer people and get on with their rich, enjoyable lives.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

One of my favourite time wasting sites

I've often thought about this likely event:

Wish for more lamps instead! Genius.
For more useful tips on becoming rich, preventing poverty or learning how to fly try visiting

Thursday, 24 February 2011

How to avoid people

Saw this for the first time today - pretty good tip

Wednesday, 16 February 2011


Before reading this just know I AM NOT CRAZY

Do you ever get a sudden urge to do something?
It could be as simple as slapping your friend in the face for no reason or even jumping in front of a car... I remember having them at school when i was younger, feeling the sudden urge to climb on to a table and shout abuse at everyone..? They seem to strike now when i'm waiting at a crossing or just before a train comes worryingly. Apparently these are quite common and called intrusive thoughts. You imagine these disturbing situations like swerving your car into oncoming traffic and pulling down your trousers at work.

I'm guessing the only difference between a person in a psychiatric hospital and a 'normal' person (probably incorrect term) is that you don't act on them.

Fingers crossed! somewhere to put your urges

Monday, 7 February 2011

Tanning salon marketing

I really don't get the marketing strategy here:

Where did salons manage to make the link between people liking to tan and giant animal costumes with fluorescent jackets?

This is the best that i could come up with,

Tanning -> Orange skin -> Flourescent jacket?
Tanning -> Appearance -> Looking like and animal?


Wednesday, 26 January 2011

Dodging charity

Whenever you see a person up ahead holding a clipboard and wearing a red jacket or blue t-shirt, you can't help but think 'how can i dodge this person'.
You immediately know it's a charity and they're going to ask for money. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just cash they wanted, but you know that it isn't. They want to take your bank account details and rope you into life long commitment.

Once i was stopped by a guy, so i said upfront 'if your going to ask for my bank details, you're wasting your time'. He said no, no and began reeling of the facts and figures. After 2 minutes of uncomfortable eye contact and nodding he asked for it! I'd be much more willing to give them money if it was just cash, but this whole bank details thing is crazy.

The best technique i've found is to follow someone else's path in front of you, they'll get stopped and you can just slip past without getting caught. Or even better, wear headphones.

Friday, 21 January 2011

Razor blades

Razors are beginning to get bit ridiculous as they keep adding extra blades on.
Why don't they just make a couple efficient blades instead?
At this rate it will end up with a razor that's the entire width of you face.

Gillette have been the first razor brand to identify this quite obvious problem and produced this spoof ad with an 80 blade razor:

I bet Wilkinson Sword are kicking themselves... 'Damn why didn't we see this. It's not quantity, it's quality!'

Friday, 14 January 2011

Deja vu

The french word meaning 'already seen'.
We've all experienced Deja vu, but have you ever had a double Deja vu or maybe even triple?

This is not uncommon apparently, i've had a triple Deja vu, which is the strangest feeling.
You could say 3 times stranger (lame).

It's weird enough to experience something that feels like it has been experienced before. But then to feel like you've experienced the unexperienced experience before is even weirder. And to feel an experience that was unexperienced in an experience that was unexperienced is crazy. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

Basically to repeat something that has never happened is really eerie. To then recognise a time when you repeated the never happened occasion your now repeating is a double deja vu.

This is beginning to sound like an Inception spin-off.

Friday, 7 January 2011

Book before film?

Is it best to read the book before you watch the film or vice versa?

Normally i'd say the book first as it takes a lot longer, therefore not knowing what will happen makes it more readable.
However, on this occasion it hasn't worked out that way. I read 127 hours before watching it and to be honest was really disappointed. I've seen tonnes of great reviews but i don't think it was half as good as the book.

The problem with a book is, it can hold a lot more information and detail. 10 pages of a book is like 10 seconds of a film. It also allows you to interpret the book however you want, your imagination never matches the scenery in the film.

Still, i suppose it's less total amount of time spent let down if the film is second.
If it's the book, your talking days of disappointment.

127 hours
Film 5/10

Book 10/10